As a child and family therapist, one of the most frequent complaints I hear from kids is, “My parents don’t listen.” Another version is, “My parent’s don’t understand.” The two seem to be related.  A child feels understood when their parent listens.  I mean really listens.
Many parents respond defensively to these comments.  They feel like they are listening! Or at least trying to listen.  Other parents say, “my child never wants to talk” or “I can’t get him to open up!” Others complain that their child talks all of the time…how can they possibly listen to everything they say?
Yes, communication is hard.  Communication with teenagers may be one of the hardest parts of parenting. It won’t always be perfect, however, with some practice, it can be easier than you think.

Here are some general tips:
•    Watch your non-verbals: you do not have to agree with what your child is saying, but it may be helpful to be aware of your body language.  Nothing says “stop talking” like an eye-roll or huge sigh
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•    You don’t need a comeback: focus on listening to what your child is saying, rather than formulating your response.  If you want your child to feel understood, spend your time trying to understand.

•    Wait to reply: resist the urge to interrupt or give a response immediately.  Give your child time to finish what they are saying, and allow yourself some time to figure out what to say or how to say it.

•    Put down your defenses: it’s easy to respond by saying, “yeah, but…” Instead focus on what your child is trying to say.  You may have a different opinion, but it is important to hear your child first.

•    In your own words: rather than responding defensively, rephrase the general idea of what your child was trying to say.  You can start with, “What I hear you saying is…” Give your child a chance to correct your interpretation.

•    Identify a feeling: this may be essential to helping your child feel heard.  How would you feel if you were in your child’s shoes? Then you can respond by saying, “Oh, that must have felt (frustrating, lonely, exciting…)”

•    Do not fix it: unless your child comes to you requesting your advice, always defer the solution back to your child.  Some kids just need to vent, they are not necessarily looking for a way to solve the problem.
•    Talk less: it is ok to offer a few clarifying sentences or ask a few questions, but a conversation can quickly turn into a lecture. If you find yourself talking too much, stop and turn the focus back to your child.

I realize that this may feel limiting.  It may seem like there is no place for you to be a parent, to “set them straight,” or to disagree.  Actually, once your child feels heard and understood, they are much more open to hearing your thoughts, feelings or opinions.

Theo Imperfect families