Of course my parents knew I didn’t have enough money to buy the necklace. When they asked about the necklace, I told them that my friend gave it to me. I know they didn’t believe me. Guilt was tearing me up inside. I knew it was wrong to steal, and I knew it was wrong to lie.
If I knew it was wrong, then why did I do it? Fear of punishment? Peer pressure? Worry about not fitting in with the cool crowd on “twin day.” Probably all of those reasons.
Kids lie. It’s one of those things that we as parents hope will somehow skip a generation.
When kids are small, the line between reality and fantasy is blurred. Young kids may see something on TV and then state it as if it happened in real life. Their intention is not to lie about the situation, their developmental stage prevents them from being able to clearly tell the difference between what is real and what is imaginary. At this age, you can try to clarify the story, or simply wait for the child to gain more insight into reality.
As kids grow, however, they learn that telling a lies can serve a purpose. They can avoid getting a punishment or dealing with the consequences of their behavior just by bending the truth. Other kids realize that telling a made-up story gets them lots of attention from peers (or even their parents). Some children have difficulty standing up to peer pressure, and in order to stay in the popular group or avoid being teased, they will lie.
When you catch your child in a lie, remember a few tips:
1. Don’t force a confession: if you catch your child in a lie, resist the urge to interrogate until you get a confession. Some kids will stick by a lie as if it’s the truth. Waiting for them to finally admit their mistake can make you feel more angry and frustrated. Stay calm, and resist the urge to lecture about lying as a moral issue.
2. Act on what you know: it is sometimes difficult to find concrete evidence that your child is lying, other times is as clear as frosting smeared on their face. As a parent, you may have to act on instinct or gather as much evidence as possible. You may need to call other parents or a teacher to confirm the story.
3. Create a consequence for lying: separate the act of lying from the behavior. Demonstrate that lying is unacceptable by putting a consequence in place. You may decide to remove or delay access to a desired activity. You could request that your child write a note of apology or make amends to those affected by the lie.
4. Then give a consequence for the behavior: sometimes lies are more than stories, they include breaking things, stealing, spreading rumors, or coming home late for curfew. In these instances, a consequence may be required to make amends for the behavior. This may mean returning something to a store, repairing a window, or having an earlier curfew for a few weeks.
5. Reinforce truth-telling: encourage your child to tell the truth by making it safe to come to you with honesty – keep your responses calm, listen and give fair consequences for mistakes. Thank your child for being honest, especially when it would have been easier to lie. And, don’t forget to model honesty for your kids (no fibbing about ages to get discount tickets).
I do not remember the consequence I received for the “necklace incident.” Looking back, I’m not sure a consequence would have been as effective as the guilt I felt wearing a stolen necklace to school.
An occasional lie is a normal part of child development. However, if you notice your child lying frequently, or the lies put your child or someone else in danger, it may be time to seek professional help. A mental health therapist can work with your child and family to address this issue and work on improving communication.
Theo Imperfect Families
